It was a day that will forever be etched in my mind and heart. Every detail, every cry, every tear, every shred of emotional and physical pain…I will never forget, and neither will my husband. The doctor came in and said that word, the word we didn’t want to hear, the word we prayed we wouldn’t have to hear.
Miscarriage.
In early February we found out that I was pregnant with our first child, and we were elated, busily calling our family to let them know the good news and ask for their prayers. We were excited to be a mom and dad. We had waited and prayed for a long time, and here we were, finally pregnant.
We had walked through stores and talked about clothes, toys, and other things we would be getting soon for our child. We had already picked out the kind of crib we would have and the way we would decorate the nursery. We started to dream of the things we wanted to do with our child and teach our child. We had so much love stored up in our hearts to give and lavish on the little one to come… but our hopes and dreams came tumbling down that day in the hospital.
The doctor passed through the curtain on his way out, and seconds later, our pastor and his wife walked in…and we found ourselves having to repeat the same word that had caused all our pain.
Miscarriage.
They didn’t say much, they just took our hands and began to pray, and the pain we were trying to hold in, began to overflow. We wept and cried from a deep, guttural ache that rolled into loud verbal cries, broken deep breaths, and burning tears that we couldn’t stop.
Miscarriage.
We had to repeat that word over and over again as we called our family, informed our friends and shared with our church. Every single time we tell the story, it triggers pain and throws us back, if even for a moment, to the struggle of that day and the life we lost. We don’t know if it was a girl or a boy. We never got to hear our baby’s heartbeat. We never got to feel our baby moving and kicking in the womb. We never got to hear our baby’s cry or see their smile. We will never get to hold him or her in our arms on this side of Heaven…and it hurts.
It was late when we were finally released from the hospital. We were both emotionally spent, mentally exhausted, and physically hungry. We stopped into Denny’s for a late supper, and as we were sitting there, in the midst of our grief, my mind immediately went to…Why? Why did this happen? Why did God allow this to happen?
We could ask God a million times why these things happen, and we could probably come up with a plethora of ideas as to why. But my husband wisely encouraged me to set aside the “why”, and cling to the hope of something our Pastor said that day as he prayed for us. He prayed that God would use this terrible circumstance for HIS glory. So our hearts and minds are set on that course. We pray that God will bring glory to himself through the brief life of our unborn child.
Is it still painful? Yes, it hurts so deeply I can’t even put it into words. Our hearts are still broken and we still shed tears, but God has entrusted this pain to us, and He is working His will through it.
Hebrews 5:7-8 says,
7 While Jesus was here on earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could rescue him from death. And God heard his prayers because of his deep reverence for God. 8 Even though Jesus was God’s Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered.
Jesus prayed and pleaded, with loud cries and tears, and even though God heard His prayers, Jesus was not delivered from the death He was facing. God could have rescued His Son, but He didn’t. and Jesus could have chosen to be disobedient, but He didn’t. Jesus learned obedience through suffering and pain. There is no pain we could face that He hasn’t already felt and to a deeper extent than we can imagine. There is also no pain we face that goes unnoticed by our loving God.
You keep track of all my sorrows
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
-Psalm 56:8
He sees our pain and He knows our pain, and He loves us. No matter what, we will have trouble in this life. We will go through pain because we live in an imperfect, sinful world. Jesus said so. But even more than that, perhaps there are depths to God that we can only discover through pain and suffering. Perhaps there are places or things for us that God can only prepare us for through pain. I don’t have all the answers, but I have to believe that He knows what He is doing.
What is your pain? I wonder what word would define it for you right now?
Cancer?
Abandoned?
Divorce?
Old?
Young?
Disabled?
Death?
Lost?
Miscarriage?
Rejection?
Abuse?
Loneliness?
Single?
Addiction?
From one broken heart to another, there’s hope; and it shines in the pain to carry you through. His name is Jesus. Seek Him.